Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I miss you.  A lot.   A lot a lot.  So much that at times, it literally takes my breath away and I can't breathe for a minute.  I can't tell you how many times I wish I could pick up the phone and call you, or just send you a text.  Like today, I was looking through pictures and saw a picture from the last Christmas you were really with us, and I giggled.  It's a picture of you holding a candle with a smug look on your face.  It was an inside joke.  I wanted to text you about it so we could laugh together.

Speaking of candles... Ava Kate ate a birthday candle last week.  Like ATE it and then threw most of it up and said she didn't like it.  (Ugh, I know right!?!  How does that even happen??)  I panicked and the first thing I wanted to do was call you to ask what to do.  I called Poison Control instead... which was probably a better idea anyway.  She's obviously fine now.  She's the spitting image of you.  She walks just like you.  Stops and puts her hand on her hip, just like you.  Gives the side eye, just like you.  Even her little smile is just like yours.  It's actually kind of freaky sometimes, in a good kind of freaky way.

And sweet little Eve is becoming quite the little personality herself.  :) Oh how I wish you could love on them and squeeze them tight.  I wish you were here to "fight" with Mrs. Lydia over whose house they get to spend the night at next.  I wish you were here for me to go shopping with... shocking, I know.  You are pretty much the reason why I don't like to go shopping with other people.   I hated how long it took you to look at something to decide if you liked it or not... and how you would try on things "just to see," even if you didn't like it on the rack - I mean, who does that??  But I would love to spend the day with you running errands and just doing every-day-life together.  When other people complain about their moms, I just want to lecture them... I'd still complain if you were here too... but I would know in the core of my being how precious the ability to complain about your mom is.  Those little moments are sacred because you were there.

I also pretty much always think of you when someone is giving me directions (which I still suck at by the way).  All I can hear is you saying, "You just keep going, and you'll pass this on the right, and you keep going, and you'll go past that little store on the left, and then go through the stop sign and just stay straight until you get to such-in-such, and then keep going past that a little ways to the shop on the right... you know... that little shop on the right?" "Mom, I don't know what shop you're talking about." "Yes you do, that little shop.  Right there on the right.  Well anyways, just go past it.  You'll know it when you see it."  Me: Nod. Pulls up the GPS.  

I think about you when I make spaghetti.  Every time I pass Talbots.  Every time I go to Dad's.  Dad's.  Whenever I see a big TV box in the back of a truck.  And... when I see Young & the Restless. :)  Don't worry, nothing has changed -- if you watched it today, you wouldn't have missed a thing.

I cannot believe it's been five years since I heard your voice and felt your touch.  It seems like just yesterday and forever ago at the same time.  Sometimes it's hard to remember what you were like before you were sick.  Sometimes I can imagine what life would be like if you were here and not sick.  Most of the time I just feel the void of where you should be, but aren't.  I look back at pictures of wonderful, special times and can't help but remember that you're not in them.  Pictures of my daughters' births, our annual beach pictures, Weston's graduation, Amanda's wedding.  Things that I wish you were here for and grieve because you're not physically with us in those moments.

But Mom, we are doing good.  Parker and I have two beautiful girls.  Weston graduated (please, personally thank the Good Lord for that, haha).  He's wonderful - funny, generous, polite, and an amazing uncle. And Dad's doing really good too - he's so good with the girls - no surprise there.  He keeps them a lot and has still got a knack for babies.  They adore him.  :)  We miss you and think about you all the time.  Love you always.  See you again later!

xoxoxo,

Our Wedding - Mom

This post doesn't have much to do with the wedding.  As I was flipping through wedding pictures, a few of my mom caught my attention.  I just want to take some time to remember how beautiful, graceful, and happy she was at our wedding.  I am so thankful that we made these memories and have pictures to document them.  You might think I'm indulging myself in sappy time, but I don't care.  These are good pictures of my mom and I want to remember her like this.  I want to forget how she looked when she was having seizures or dying - she didn't look anything like herself then.  These pictures remind me of her laugh and her smile and her touch, something I'm convinced that only people who have lost one of the most important people in their lives can understand.

Moments and pictures that I prayed for and will always treasure...

What a great mom and dad! :)

Missing Mom

Thursday marked a month since Mom died. Mom died.  I still can’t believe it.  My mom died.  I wanted to post, but I just couldn’t.  I still don’t want to, but it’s time.

The Thursday before she died, Dad, Mom & I met with Dr. P.  For the 4^th time, Dr. P explained to mom that she was dying.  She didn’t understand how he could be so sure – she wanted scans.  She wanted to go home.  She hoped he was wrong.  He asked her if she was hoping for a miracle and she said yes.  She said that she believed in Jesus as her Lord and Savior and he asked her if she knew how many times Jesus walked on water.  Just once.  That was all He needed to do to prove His point.  Dr. P carefully explained that Jesus doesn’t perform miracles all the time, because he doesn’t have to in order to make a point.  He explained the 3 miracles he had witnessed in his own life as a doctor.  He prayed with my mom for a miracle.  Then, he prayed for us in case that wasn’t God’s plan.  Mom’s hope exceeded all hope.

For whatever reason, that night she finally understood what was happening for more than 5 minutes.  She talked about who she wanted her pallbearers to be, what she wanted to wear, who should officiate… she told us to take care of each other.  She told us she was sorry she had to leave.  She cried and grieved for us.  She also got her nails done – a gift from her Sunday school class (she had been begging to leave the Hospice House for a little while to get her nails done – God does believe in comic relief).

Friday was a good day.  I’m not sure that she still remembered the conversation from Thursday, but she didn’t talk about it.

On Saturday, Parker & I slept in and when we got to the Hospice House that morning, Mom was sleeping.  I took that as a good sign – she had slept the night before.  I asked dad how she did over night and he said that she had slept, but had been very restless.  Then, he told me her feet were getting cold.  It hit me so hard.  I knew it was coming – I’ve known it was coming.  I still was stunned.  She was awake later in the day, but she was never very lucid.  She was very agitated when she was awake.  Finally, that night, they put her on the morphine pump.

Aunt Kay & I stayed so Dad could take Weston home to sleep.  I don’t think either of us slept at all.  Mom’s breathing was noisy and I lay there counting every second between breaths.  Every time something changed, we asked the nurse if she thought we should call Dad.  She always said, “Not yet.”  Sunday morning around 7, the nurse came in to rotate her and said, “Call him.”  Mom’s body was clammy – overnight, her arms, feet, and legs had been freezing cold, but now her body was clammy.  We called immediately.  Dad, Weston, Parker, Grandma, Aunt Kay, & I all stood around her bed and said goodbye.  It was so hard.  Thirty minutes later, she was still breathing at the same pace.  The day went on and nothing changed.  My best friend, Amanda came and sat with us.  Sunday night, Dad & Weston went home to shower.  Within 30 minutes, the nurse told us to call again.  We did.  We repeated our goodbyes & tears.  Again, she kept breathing.  All of us stayed through the night.

On Monday morning, January 9^th, Dr. P came back.  He asked if we had questions.  How much longer?  It’s a dumb question, but how long could we listen to her “death rattle” as they call it… how long could we watch her fight… how long?  He couldn’t hear her heartbeat because of the rattling – congestive heart failure.  He also said that her pupils were dilated, despite the strong pain medicines – a sign that her brain was very swollen.  He said that eventually her brain would swell to the point that her body would stop breathing.  He also said that he didn’t think it would be something the nurses would announce – “Hey, it’s time,” but that it would be something we would just know.  Again, he prayed with us and for us and for her.  Specifically, we prayed for Weston.  I think Mom left us on Saturday night… but her body kept fighting.

Family and friends came.  We talked while we waited.  Then, there was a really long pause in her breathing.  Immediately, I told Parker to go get Dad (he was in the living room area).  Dad heard it and was already walking down the hall.  The nurse came.  We stood around and knew that it was for real this time.  She would breathe a few times and then stop.  Breathe, then stop.  As time passed, the pauses got longer and longer.  Within a couple minutes she was gone.

Amanda, Parker, Grandma, & Aunt Kay packed up her room while Dad, Weston, and I sat in the living room.  We went home and cleaned up – Christmas stuff was all over the dining room.  We met with our pastor that afternoon and with the funeral home that evening.  It was a daze.  Relief, but extreme sadness.  As my mother-in-law called it, I was in a “grace coma.”  When we got home, the house was full of family, friends, and food.  The next day, Aunt Kay and I went to pick out flowers and her outfit.  Wednesday was the funeral.  Beaty sang “Glory to God” – a song that summed up how we felt.  The song I sung and hummed to Mom while she was dying.  The song that I clinged to during those awful days…

Before the world was made
Before you spoke it to be
You were the King of Kings
Yeah you were, yeah you were
And now you`re reigning still
Enthroned above all things
Angels and saints cry out
We join them as we sing

Glory to God, glory to God, glory to God forever

Creator God you gave
Me breath so I could praise
Your great and matchless name
All my days all my days
So let my whole life be
A blazing offering
A life that shouts and sings
The greatness of our King

Take my life and let it be
All for You and for Your glory
Take my life and let it be Yours

I wanted to praise God, because His plan is so perfect.  He was with us every second and knew every move before any of it had happened.  I wanted people to know of His glory in all of it.

I understand why we use the phrase “my heart is broken.”  I feel like my heart is broken.  I understand why we use the phrase “my heart is heavy.”  My chest feels so heavy.  I grieve for our loss.  I miss her SO much.  I miss her for the future events in our lives.  I miss her voice and her touch.  I miss her laugh and her smile.  It literally takes my breath away at times.  I’m only 23 and I’ve become the “matriarch” of our small family.  It doesn’t seem right.  It’s not right.

I want so bad to call her.  I reach for the phone to call her all the time.  I know it is okay to grieve.  I know my emotions are normal.  I don’t think that it’ll ever be easier.

I’m so thankful to have had such a wonderful mom.  She was one of my best friends.  I’m so glad she was at our wedding – something I had prayed for for years.  Looking at the pictures, she was so happy.

It gives me comfort to know she is praising God in His presence.  How joyful she must be now.

Still, I miss her so much.

Mom

As many of you know, my mom is now in the Hospice House.  So, I should probably explain how we got here...

Last time I updated you on my mom, it was April and she had been to see Dr. A at UNC and started a new treatment called Irinotecan.  One of her tumors started growing while she was on that treatment and in September, she started the clinical trial at UNC.  In October, scans showed that a tumor had doubled in size.  Dr. A at UNC and Dr. W in Greenville told us that we'd exhausted our options.  We opted for 5 radiation treatments to "buy us some more time."  They told mom that they wouldn't do anymore scans because we would know if it worked or if it didn't.  At that time, Dr. W did the paper work for hospice.

Mom started falling some and became dependent on a wheel chair.  Her right arm became limp over time, but she was pretty capable of taking care of herself during the day.  About 2 weeks ago, her right leg slowly became limp and she started falling more and more.

Last week, she was noticeably different.  I don't know how to describe it.  Her words were slurred, her conversations jumped around, and she stayed tired.  On Thursday, she tried to go to the bathroom and fell.  Weston called me, but I couldn't get her up.  She was hysterical.  We called Dad and he had to pick her up.  She napped that afternoon, but when she woke up she couldn't talk.  Sound came out, but it was just random syllables.  Then, the right side of her face started twitching.  Dad was very concerned and called 911.

At the ER they determined that she was having seizures.  She was twitching on both sides of her face and her right leg.  With high doses of Attivan, the twitching stopped.  She was admitted to the palliative care unit Friday morning.  Dad and I are 100% on the same page about keeping her comfortable.  A while ago, Mom said that she didn't want to die at home because she didn't want us to have to go through that.  With her medicine, confusion, and agitation, there is no way that Dad and I can give her the best care at home.  One of the nurses in the palliative care unit told us about the Hospice House.  His wife and step daughter had passed away - in fact, his wife died 3 years ago on Christmas Eve.  He, and the rest of the nurses there, were so kind and caring.

Christmas was pretty crappy.

On Tuesday we brought her to the Hospice House.  It is SO wonderful.  The nurses, doctors, and social worker are so caring and sweet.  They are taking good care of mom and us.  The room has a pull out sofa so we can stay at night.  We are trying to keep her as comfortable as possible.

She hasn't been sleeping at night.  The first couple of nights she was very combative and trying to get out of bed.  It took me plus 3 nurses to keep her in bed on Friday night.  She is less and less combative, but still very confused.  During the afternoon she has some very lucid moments, but nights and early mornings are bad.  We've explained to her 4 times now what is happening, but she does not understand and forgets within minutes.  To say that she has a hope that exceeds all hope is an understatement.

She still thinks she's going to get better.  She thinks she's at the "Wellness Center" (I have no idea how she thought that up) because the doctors are trying to get her medicine under control and she can't walk because her ankle is hurt.

Having to tell her she's dying sucks.  Watching her die sucks.  Dealing with her confusion sucks.  It all really sucks.

Despite all of this I'm amazed at the strength God provides us.  I am constantly realizing his timing and planning in everything.  The love we've gotten from friends, family, and our church family has been very helpful.  We are well taken care of and very appreciative.

We're looking at a week or two... but that could change rapidly.  The brain tumors could easily cause bleeding, and then we'd be looking at days.  When she is lucid, its hard to believe she could be gone so soon.  When she is agitated and confused, it seems like it could happen any moment.  The brain is a funky part of the body.  We're definitely on a roller coaster with all the ups and downs.

Latest Update on Mom

Hi friends!

As many of you already know, last week we learned that my mom's latest scan results showed that one of the four tumors in her brain had increased in size.  Dr. W, the oncologist in Greenville, wanted my mom to meet with Dr. A, also an oncologist, in Chapel Hill again about the next step in treatment.  Mom has met with Dr. A before about a clinical trial that is in the works at UNC and also for genetic testing.  We had the appointment today and we have made some new decisions!

First, we met with Dr. E, a neurosurgeon at UNC.  He is not 100% that the scans indicate cancer growth because sometimes after radiation, the brain gets "radiation dump" and can swell... Yes, even a year after gamma knife (in fact, even up to 2 years later).  Surgery is a possibility in the future, but not needed at this time, just something to "keep in our pocket."  He is also weening her off the steroid unless she starts to show physical symptoms.

Then, we met with Dr. A, who is SO sweet!  Even though Dr. E feels pretty sure that there is not cancer growth (based on his experience), she wants to be a little more pro-active, just in case - and we fully support that decision!  We talked about a bunch of different options (some we decided to "keep in our pocket" for the time being).  What we have decided is to stop Tykerb & Xeloda (treatment for brain) and switch to Irinotecan.  It will be infusion rather than pills once a week for two weeks, off a week, repeat, repeat, repeat... The side effects are a little bit more severe, but should be manageable with other drugs.  There is also about a 40% chance she'll lose her hair :-\, but that means a 60% chance she won't!  She will stay on Herceptin (it protects the neck down) since it is doing it's job wonderfully!

In 2 months, she'll go back to UNC for scans and to meet with Dr. E and Dr. A again.  They will be in charge of her care from now on, but Dr. W will be able to administer treatments in Greenville so we won't have to travel back and forth.

In general, we are super pleased with the plan and decisions made today.  We left the hospital laughing, which I think is a great sign!  Thanks for the prayers!  We can feel God's protection!

Update on Mom - Most Recent Scan Results

Hi everyone!

This morning, I sent a text after my mom's appointment with the oncologist.  Originally, we thought that her most recent scans were clear from the neck down (Praise God!), but one tumor in her brain had potentially increased in size.

She met with the neuroradiologist this afternoon as a follow-up from the Gamma Knife, and he was pleased with the scans and said that, "At worst, things were stable."  At least two of the four tumors are dying, the other two are stable.  He checked with her radiation doctor, and she agreed.  He will have another neuroradiologist check, but he feels sure that he is right.

She will be going to UNC to see about potential other treatments in the future.

The news this morning was heartbreaking, but what relief the appointment from this afternoon brought!  Thank God for the stability/shrinking AND for the clean scans elsewhere!

Thanks for the prayers!  Love y'all!

Update on Mom

Mom is recovering well from Gamma Knife.  As you would expect, she is tired and has experienced some headaches and body aches.  This weekend, she went to Weston's baseball tournament in New Bern and did fairly well, although it definitely caught up with her on Monday and yesterday.  She will have scans in 5 weeks to see the results.  I'm praying for no cancer.  I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that this could be God's way to get the doctors to take some action on the "inactive" tumors in her brain and get rid of them once and for all.  Amen? Amen!

A few weeks ago, Mom and I went to get haircuts at the mall.  We passed through JC Penny on the way and saw these CUH-RAZY hats.  We decided to try them on and I sure am glad that we did:

How cute is my mom? 


Whew!  That one is a definite for the wedding!  She will definitely get the attention she deserves wearing that!  Hahahaha

We had a great time laughing and goofing off.  The several people that walked by us were definitely not as amused... but poo on them!


I mean, how could you not giggle at that hat?

Cancer again

Sadly, my mom's routine scan from last week found that two of the tumors in her brain (that were previously inactive) have grown in size.  We are not sure how much they have grown, but her doctor has put her back on Tykerb (the preventative medicine for the brain), will continue the Herceptin (preventative treatment for the rest of the body), and she will see the neurosurgeon (who did the Gamma Knife before) to see what he suggests.

We are sad and heartbroken.  Today, as I was at the bus stop hearing the news and then later telling Parker over the phone, I fought back the tears.  I was disgusted with the people around me listening to the conversation that I was having, staring at me, and not doing anything.  It was like my world had stopped and they kept going about their day.  While I know their world shouldn't stop too (and I wouldn't want it to), I truly wished that someone would have acted like a real person and hugged me or gave an encouraging smile... or something.

Thankfully, I have amazing friends that hug me, love me, let me cry, make bad jokes, inspire me, and give me hope.

I feel much better than I did at lunch time, but I still covet your prayers, comments, and attempts to make me laugh.

Mom is doing okay.  Extremely strong as usual :)

Random Rambles No. 2

Great news! Mom's most recent scans of her chest, abdomen, and pelvic regions showed no sign of cancer!  The spots on her brain are still there, but unchanged despite going untreated for several months.  We are very pleased and thankful!  The doctor found that she has a deficiency in Vitamin D which has caused her to experience fatigue, weakness, and muscle soreness.  She wrote her a prescription for a high dose of Vitamin D and said she should notice a huge difference soon.  We are so excited and relieved to hear this great report.

In other news, Parker & I have decided that the next home we buy will have the cabinets already painted or else we'll hire someone else to paint them... because I'm. Never. Painting. Cabinets. Again. Ever.  We both work 40 hours a week, so we've been painting in the evenings (the ones that don't have baseball or church softball games) and I'm so ready for it to be DONE.  It took a week to get wallpaper down, a week to fix the sheetrock/sand everything, a week to prime/paint the walls, and like 4,252,352 weeks to paint the cabinets.  Okay, maybe not that long.  (Don't forget the leak we encountered!)  We have the cabinets primed and painted, but now we've got to prime and paint the doors/drawers and touch up the cabinets in a few areas.  I can't wait to show you pictures of this tiny kitchen that is consuming our life :)

Have you ever seen the show "Renovation Realities?"  Boy, we could be on that show.  We'd make good TV I bet.

Speaking of TV, I'm going to need Grey's Anatomy to come back on.  Seriously.  It's so good.  I'm a new "Grey's" fan... I just started watching it this season (after like 9 seasons of being on air or something??!!), and I can totally see what the fuss is all about.  So. Good.

Mm k.  That's all for now.

Eye Update & Relay among other things...

Hello and Happy Monday dear friends!  I hope today finds you well after a long and wonderful weekend!  This weekend we went to one of my favorite annual events, Relay for Life.  I love being able to walk around and catch up with friends and family!  I also love supporting my sweet mom in her survivor walk!

(Mom, just so you know, I definitely chose the picture that you looked best in, even though I looked way better in the other one.... don't say I never do anything for you :) haha)

There were no pictures with Weston because he was running around somewhere playing with his friends.  Speaking of Weston, his eye is still BLACK.

Geez Louise!  Doesn't that make your eye hurt??!! 

Weston also had a baseball game one night. His team added another win to their record...

...and he had two stellar hits!  (I'm thinking he might need a black eye every game?? Just kiddin')

Then we went to the beach with Parker's parents, brother, & sister-in-law.  I have a separate post about those adventures coming tomorrow... but here's a hint: You should be waiting with "baited" breath!

Other than that, I'm getting ready for a crazy week with Parker closing on our first home (tomorrow), my last day of undergraduate classes (Wednesday), two finals (Saturday), and cleaning and moving furniture into our condo (Saturday, Sunday, Monday).  

Deep breath.  Here goes nothing!

Mom's News!

I am so excited to tell you that Mom's scans checked out ALL CLEAR!  Praise God!!!  There is no cancer in her chest, abdomen, or pelvic regions!  We are so relieved & thankful!  She will continue to have the preventative treatment (Herceptin) and will need a brain scan (last time we checked all the tumors were shrinking or dying).  Praise God!

FYI

Helloooo sweet blog readers!

I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I am on Spring Break (yipee!), which is the reason for the lack of new posts.  I'm enjoying every minute with my family!  I've been quite busy the last few days doing some Teaching Fellows enrichment, working, and a secret that I can't share just yet!  :)  Wedding Wednesday will happen on Thursday, just so you know!  Please pray for my family as my mom hears back on Thursday from her latest scan results.  I will definitely update on her journey with breast cancer when we get the results!  Other than that, I hope y'all are enjoying this wonderful week and I'll "see" you Thursday!

Good News, Good News

Hey y'all! There's lots of things going on!  First and foremost...

Mom's MRI of her brain today showed SHRINKING of the 4 tumors!  (No treatment since the last MRI, which also showed shrinking post-Gamma knife... so to God be all the glory!!!!!!!!!)  The neurosurgeon thinks they'll continue to shrink in the coming months and he is turning her over to the oncologist to monitor the shrinking.  Praise God!

Secondly, Jonah's first birthday is coming up!  To celebrate his birthday, the blog world is having "Jonah's EB Auction" February 23-27.  The auction is a fundraiser for DebRA, an EB organization.  Jonah is my friend/former teacher, Patrice's son, that I know you've "heard" me mention before.  He has a rare genetic skin disorder called Epidermolysis Bullosa which causes his skin to be super sensitive/blister easily.  Katie, another friend/former teacher, is running the auction and posted this message to the Facebook event:

Help us celebrate Jonah's first birthday by raising money to help find a cure for EB! We will be auctioning off lots of great goodies and gift cards and all proceeds will go do DebRA (www.debra.org). AND all auction purchases are TAX DEDUCTIBLE! How 'bout them apples?!  Help us spread the word and fight EB! Join us from 12:01am Feb 23 to 11:59pm Feb 27 and bid on your favorite item. Or items. :) Visit the auction site for more details - www.jonahsebauction.blogspot.com. Be sure to bookmark it! It is totally online, so it doesn't matter if you live in NC, DC, the OC, or heaven forbid, Canada (just kidding Canada!) you can still take part!

So check it out, spread the word, do your thing so this can be a success!

Other than that... Game vs. Wake Forest tonight... look for me, I'll be there!  I hope the Basketball God's are lining up in our favor (we could use it)... Go Heels!

Update on Mom

In case some of you haven't heard the whole story of my mom's journey with breast cancer...

In 2006 (my junior year of high school), my mom was diagnosed with Stage 0 breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy and reconstruction surgery. We had all hopes that it was a one time thing, easily cured. Unfortunately, in the summer of 2007, she found a lump under her arm. With Stage 4 (recurrent) breast cancer, she had six months of chemotherapy, six weeks of radiation, and a year and half of preventative treatment, called Herceptin. We were thrilled that scans showed no signs of cancer. Then, this past summer (2009), after having trouble with her arm/finger movements, severe headaches, and a trip to the ER (as a result of very high blood pressure), we found out that she had 4 spots on her brain. Because chemotherapy and Herceptin (preventative treatment) do not break through the blood-brain membrane (and therefore don’t protect the brain), she had to have several radiation treatments, followed by the Gamma Knife procedure. Those tumors have shrunk in size or remained stable. She was on another preventative treatment called Tykerb (a pill) that protects the brain. At the end of 2009, following regular check up scans, we learned that she had spots on her liver and lungs. She has completed half her chemotherapy treatment and started Herceptin again.

Last week she had scans to check the spots on her liver and lungs. Everything remains stable – no growth or spreading. The radiologist that read her scan is not convinced that these spots are metastatic lesions (though what else could it be?). She has 2 more months of chemotherapy. Next week she has an MRI, which will include her brain and show the spots that had stabilized.

She has gone to UNC for a second opinion, and doctors there are on board with her doctors at home. While at UNC, she also did gene testing. Those tests would show whether she carried the gene for a particular type of breast cancer, which could tell us whether my aunt and I could carry the same gene. My mom, mom’s maternal aunt, and mom’s paternal aunt had breast cancer, as did my paternal grandmother and paternal aunt. She did not test positive for the gene, though there was a mutation on another gene. Research has not been conclusive as to whether the mutation is significant in breast cancer or not. They recommended that I start having mammograms at age 35 (duh).

So that’s where we are now. She has chemo once a week for three weeks followed by a week off. Please pray that these spots are resolved without complication, the MRI results are positive (perhaps shedding light on the lung/liver lesions), and we all keep a positive attitude. We know that God is the Great Physician and there’s always a way with Him! I’m totally open to answering any questions about her journey or what I’ve learned about breast cancer over the last few years (which is a lot).

We have great friends and family that have been so supportive and generous. We are so grateful for each of them. Please pray that God will bless them as He has blessed us.

Day 9 - I am thankful for...

Fridays! Tonight, I get to hang out, cook dinner for my fiance, relax, and not worry about my papers/exams/thesis/reading... I get to just be. Thank God It's Friday!!! :)

Parker is coming to Chapel Hill for the weekend since I'll be driving to Greenville on Tuesday for Thanksgiving break (and my parents didn't think I should spend the time/gas driving home for two days, coming back for one and half days, and then back). I'm excited to spend some quality time with Parker, and if the weather is nice tomorrow, my sweet friend Amber is going to shoot some pictures of us! :)

Update on Mom: She is doing okay. The treatment obviously makes her tired and a bit sick. Her emotions are up and down like everyone else's. Please keep the prayers & encouragment coming!!!

Random: I saw a former student yesterday, which is always weird... but this one was one of my favorites from last year. He's the one who said the capital of Turkey was Rooster :)

Random #2: My friend who is a school counselor told the girls the other day that she had a student named "La-a." Which you would think would be pronouced "la uh" but the girl told her that "the dash is pronounced." Her name was "La dash uh." Seriously. I knew I was going to have trouble with some names in my class... but really???

Day 7 - I am thankful for...

I am thankful for my friends that cry with me, hug me, & make me laugh. I am thankful for a sweet voicemail from friend who cried on the phone because her heart is breaking too. I am thankful for a friend that met me on campus, just to give me a hug, and ended up crying with me in front of tons of other people, including a tour group walking by. I am thankful for a friend that was on the bus with me and cried too, so I wouldn't feel so ridiculous. I am thankful for friends that send me messages of encouragement and scripture passages to lift me up. I am thankful for the people that lift me and my mom and our family up in prayer all day long.

I am thankful that my sweet fiance has lots of corny jokes to make me laugh, and that he doesn't laugh too hard when I don't get them. :)

I am thankful that my mom is a much stronger person than me. I am thankful that even though she was sleeping this morning, she answered my phone call so we could talk. I cried and cried, but as always, she is so strong and assures me that she will be just fine. And for that, I am thankful.

On days when it's hard to feel thankful...

...I am thankful for the peace God gives me, the guard He uses to keep the devil's lies away from me when I can't do it on my own, and the friends He blesses me with to wipe away my tears.

Today we got some sad news.

My mom's full body scans revealed spots on her lungs and liver. She started chemo this morning and will continue to have it once a week.

Please pray for us. We need your prayers and encouragement.

Sorry for such a short post, but I really don't know what else to say. I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I hurt - we all do. So, that's all I can say about it right now...

Stitch by Stitch

Remember my Grandma's stocking I've been cross-stitching? This is what it looked like last November...
This is what it looked like in August... about 3 months ago...

And this is what it looks like right now...

I still have a lot to do before Christmas. I have another angel, a few snow flakes, a bird, the outlining and the border at the top. Yikes, that's more than I thought. But it looks good doesn't it?

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Update on Mom:

Good news - the scans shows that the back 2 tumors are gone! Praise God! One in the front has gotten smaller and one has stayed about the same. For now, the plan is to let the treatment (& God!) continue to wear 'em down. Her oncologist took her off Tykerb (the preventative medicine) for a few weeks because her eyes have been really swollen and Dr. White thinks its a side effect of the Tykerb. Hopefully, the swelling will go away and she can start it back soon! We don't want this mess coming back - ever - again. To God be the glory!! Another step in the right direction!!

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Thank you Veterans and families of Veterans! Thank you to those currently serving in the military and the families of those serving in the military. Your sacrifices humble me and I am forever grateful for the freedoms that my family and I enjoy because of you. God bless you!

Update on Mom's Scans

A step in the right direction....

The tumors are still there, but have shrunk some more since the Gamma Knife. One tumor is the size of a garden pea, one is the size of 2 garden peas (both in the back), and the other two (in the front) have black centers which means they are decaying/dying. Her brain is a little swollen, but the doctor expected it to be and isn't too concerned about it. He says that the tumors will continue to shrink and in 4 weeks she will have another scan. Then the team of doctors (radiologist, neurosurgeon, and oncologist) will meet again and decide a plan of action - if need be... I'm believing that they'll be gone. She still can't drive until the next scan, which stinks because I think she's bored out of her mind.

So I think I would say that we were initially disappointed because we were hoping for them all to be gone. BUT, I know that God is taking care of it and His timing is way better than mine. And I completely trust Him. And I know that He knows that we are receiving His healing and we'll receive it for as long as it takes!

So to God, I say, "Amen!" I am humbled by Your greatness, Your glory, and Your honor. I am disappointed because my plan doesn't match yours, but I am so thankful that it is in Your hands because I know that You heal, not me, not doctors, not procedures - just You. So, Amen.

Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens.

Your faithfulness stretches to the sky.

Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains.

Your justice flows like the ocean's tide.

I will lift my voice to worship you my King.

I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings.

Your love, oh Lord, reaches to the heavens.

Your faithfulness stretches to the sky.

Your rigteousness is like the mighty mountains.

Your justice flows like the ocean's tide.

I will lift my voice to worship you my King.

I will find my strength in the shadow of your wings.

--Third Day

Hey Mom, You're On TV!

Guess who got interviewed at Physcians East's Cancer Vigil last night? My mom! Check it out:

http://www2.wnct.com/nct/news/local/article/physicians_east_arlington_cancer_vigil/60567/
She told me not to look at her "fat-round-head" but I think she looked cute in her straw hat.

I also want to share my text messages that she sent me this morning... I got a kick out of it and I hope you do to:

"You are my true blessing and i love you have wonderful day love you, mom"

and she followed it up with:

"By the way please bring mixer back"

Hahaha!