What No One Tells You About Childbirth

Did you know there are approximately nine-hundred-ninety-three-thousand lists floating around the world wide web informing soon-to-be-moms about the horrors of childbirth?  I'd know, because I'm fairly certain that I read all of them.  Not to mention, I have lots of mommy friends and all of them have a story or five about giving birth.  Don't get me wrong, I was pretty well prepared to deliver my first bundle of joy, but there are several things that never made it into conversation that... HELLO?? Why didn't someone tell me!?!?  

I had Braxton Hicks on and off for the last month of pregnancy and I woke up with some fairly intense contractions, so I was prepared for things to get way worse when I went in for my induction.  When they started the Pitocin, I was mentally ready for the pain to kick in gear.  It didn't.  I remember telling my husband that if I was home with those contractions, despite them being every 2 minutes, I wouldn't have gone to the hospital because I didn't think they were intense enough to be the real thing.  I thought for sure once they broke my water things would pick up. Nope.  But, there were some things I wasn't prepared for...

Starting with...
Standing up for the first time.
Holy Cow!  I was prepared for the contractions, the pushing, the afterbirth - you know, all the stuff people talk about.  I was even prepared for the "horror movie-esque" scene in the first shower and bathroom visits.  What I was not prepared for however, was standing up for the first time.  Y'all.  I thought my bottom was going to fall off.  Like whoops... everything between my legs just dropped to the floor, never to be put back together again.  I did not want to walk.  I just wanted to stand there and hold myself together.  Scratch that, I wanted to slowly drop to the fetal position and never move again.

The First Night
I don't know what happens at your hospital, but at our hospital, babies stay with mom in the room.  I love this.  I support it.  It seems great.  Well, until... Until you've been laboring for 12+ hours, didn't sleep the night before due to excitement, haven't ate but one meal in 16 hours, just gave birth, have no clue what to do with this tiny, beautiful, screaming, and terrified soul of a creature... that throws up amniotic fluid all night.  You won't sleep.  You'll be terrified to close your eyes, because what if something happens to that precious little one?!?!  You will be borderline hysterical and delirious due to exhaustion and your adrenaline will have run out.  You are so tired, so scared, so nervous, so happy???  You won't know what you are, so you'll just sob a little.  But you and baby will survive.

Preparing to Go to The Bathroom
That's right.  I said preparing to go to the bathroom.  For a couple of weeks, going to the bathroom will require some preparation.  Get your diaper (uh, I mean pad) and tucks wipes ready, refill the squirt bottle with warm water, and find that numbing spray.  If you have guests visiting, which you surely will because of that sweet bouncing baby, don't bother telling them you'll "be back in a minute." It's going to be a while, and most likely, at some point, someone will go check to make sure you're still alive.

And, Preparing to Shower
If you think going to the bathroom is a chore, wait until you try to take a shower.  Of course you'll have to have a pad handy and some wipes nearby because you aren't going to want to get your towels bloody... but you're also going to need your nursing bra and nursing pads ready and waiting, because as soon as the water turns off and the girls jiggle as you attempt to bend down to dry your legs, the milk faucet goes-a-dripping-again.  I had underwear, a pad, wipes, nursing pads, and my bra all right outside the shower door as if I was preparing for a surgical procedure.  It was nuts.  Don't worry, it only lasts for like a month.  I know, go ahead and close that jaw, I know it just dropped a little.

Your Hips
Even if you breastfeed and you drop your weight like it's hot, your hips aren't shrinking so fast.  Don't get me wrong, you'll give yourself a pat on the back when you step onto the scale with 5 pounds to go before hitting pre-pregnancy weight... go ahead and do yourself a favor... wait to try on those special jeans.  In fact, just go ahead and plan on buying some just-after-birth pants, some I'm-back-to-pre-pregnancy-weight-but-my-hips-aren't-normal-yet pants, and then some I'm-breastfeeding-and-my-old-clothes-fall-off-me-now pants.  You'll need them 1 week, 6 weeks, and 4 months after birth respectively.  You'll thank me later.

What do you wish someone had told you before you gave birth?  Go ahead and leave a comment, I want to know!